Learning from Eve - Part 2

As I continue to share my thoughts about women and God, I want to clarify my intentions. I am writing about the beauty of God to be found in women and the wonder inherent in all daughters of Eve. I am not trying to lay out the different roles appropriate for men or women, biblical or otherwise. I am not brave enough to take on that topic at this time, and it isn’t really relevant to what I have been thinking about. Also, many of the characteristics I will attribute to women may not be—or even probably not—true of every woman. As with all groups of people, certain characteristics are generally true but cannot be forcibly applied in every case. Thank you for your patience with my observations, not my absolute model for what a woman has to be.

There are many things I appreciate about the Eastern Orthodox Church that I prefer over the way the church has developed in the West, but the foremost of all of them is how they view the image of God. I’m not an expert on their beliefs by any means, but they view the history of humanity through the lens of imago Dei in a way the Western Church has neglected over the centuries. Humanity has the utmost value. We are the image of God, the physical representation of God on the earth. Everything we were when we were created was a direct reflection of who God is. That, of course, was marred when we sinned, but that does not lessen its beginnings or its eventual restoration.

The fullness and wonder of the image, the likeness of God in humanity, is not only in Adam. Nor is it in exclusively in Eve. It can only be fully expressed in the interaction between the two. Each is a partial picture of God’s nature and character, and they fit together perfectly to paint God’s likeness.

Much thought has been devoted to how men are like God or how God can be seen in manhood. He is Father, warrior, protector, provider, king. I would like to take the time to find out what the feminine can teach us about who God is. The value of the image found in both man and woman is immeasurable.

Eve’s legacy, though dimmed, is not lost. It still resides in all her daughters, and someday, it will be restored to its fullness once more.

In my experience and observations, along with reading Captivating have shown me the wonder of women. They are meant to beautiful, and indeed, they are all beautiful, showing God’s glory in who they are. My wife is gorgeous, and I hope I don’t embarrass her by writing that she is. She is truly captivating, both outwardly and in who she is. I have known that for a long time, but in thinking about it lately, I have also come to understand certain things about it better. Women, including my wife, not only provide beauty in themselves, but they usually also desire to create beauty around them. It is how they were made; it is how they reflect God.

Women are enamored with loveliness. They delight in the beauty of their friends and their surroundings. How many women do you know that don’t try to make their home a beautiful and comforting place? When my wife (and my mom, when I was growing up) want the house to be clean, and the décor to be just right, and everything in its place, it’s not about being OCD or overly controlling (though some may turn it into that) it’s about an innate desire to create and maintain beauty in life. I didn’t get that growing up, so I was irritated by insistent commands that I make my bed every day (it just got messed up again that night, after all!). I finally understand that women (and some men) desire order not to irritate the people who are not naturally neat, but to create beauty.

And what is more comforting than being a child held by his mother after being hurt or scared, or a husband resting with his wife after a stressful day? Women are meant to offer the comfort God offers. They are here to tell us that everything is going to be okay. They are here to offer their softness and tenderness and make us feel better when the world turns ugly.

Of course, not all women do those things as well as others, and the desire for order can become about control, and the soothing comfort can be lost to demands for respect or allowing herself to be used as a doormat. Worry takes over and obscures the message that all will be well, and fear of rejection covers what beauty there is to offer. That is the toll taken by the Fall. But the spark of divine beauty resides in every woman, and if she lets Christ work in her, he will begin to restore what has been lost.

As a man, I am grateful for the half of the image of God found in women. Life would be dreary without it. I am grateful for the women in my life, for my mother, my sister, my wife, and now my daughter who I am so excited to meet.

Next time, I will elaborate on how I, as a man, can be the best husband, father, son, brother, and friend to the women in my life, and how they can help me be the best man I can be.

The One Where Love is Always Self-interested

It’s been a long time, but I remember high school discussions about whether altruism is possible.  We wrestled with the question of “Is it really possible to do anything without being motivated by self-interest?”  There is an episode of Friends that deals with it as well.  Phoebe wants to believe it with all her might, and she spends the episode trying to discover a way to make it work.  She finally stumbles on donating money to PBS, which she hates, and simultaneously gets Joey on TV by doing so.  She thinks she has finally done something that does  not benefit her in any way and is quite pleased about it.  Joey points out that she is gaining pleasure from doing a totally selfless act, and therefore, is gaining something by it. 

So the question is “Can we ever do something good and/or loving for someone else without ANY self-interest, without gaining anything at all by it?”

I can take care of my pregnant wife, doing things like rubbing her feet, bringing her drinks of water, doing chores, staying with her when she is sick.  None of those things are directly beneficial to me, so is that altruism? No, probably not, for each of those things reinforces her love, strengthens our relationship, and if nothing else, allows me to spend time with her.  I definitely gain from anything good I do for my wife.

What if I do something for a stranger?

I can give money to someone who asks for it, or buy a meal from the grocery store for the guy sitting outside, or donate to a charitable cause.  I can volunteer to serve food at the Rescue Mission.  I am now sacrificing time and money to help a person I don’t even know.  Surely that must be altruistic, completely selfless.  Alas, I gain recognition for doing selfless acts.  I may even gain social benefits by talking with them and interacting with them and finding a little of who they are.  I benefit.

What if I help someone anonymously?

What if I send cash to someone who needs it anonymously, or I drop money in a donation box, or do any number of things that would help someone else, but no one would know I did anything?  I still find satisfaction in knowing I did something good.  I gain.

We can up the ante a little bit and concede, ‘ok, I can’t do anything selflessly, but what about Jesus?’ What of his crucifixion?  Surely, Jesus, the perfect god-man, must have been capable of completely selfless action.

Picture the garden at Gethsemane.  Jesus is there, desperately wanting the support of his disciples (which he doesn’t get because they keep falling asleep) and falling to his knees, pleading to the Father to take away the wrath he is about to receive.  He asked that if there were ANY other way, God would show it to him, but since there was no other, he would do God’s will.  Luke describes him as being in agony over what was about to come.  His mental anguish was so great he needed an angel to comfort him and he began to sweat drops of blood.  Surely, he got no pleasure from his sacrifice, no gain by his death.

But really, there are two problems with this example.  The first is this: “Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God” (Heb 12:2).  Notice the phrase “who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross.”  Jesus allowed himself to be killed because it would bring him joy! I don’t think the suffering itself was high on his list of favorite things, but he knew the results would bring him joy.  His motivation was not altruistic at all!

The second problem is that his saving work allowed his children access to him; it allowed millions of people to know and love him, establishing relationships with him.  Again, he experiences good because of the good he did for us.

So, really, is completely selfless good, pure altruism, something we would even want?  If the only perfect human who ever lived couldn’t pull it off, is it really a good thing to be entirely disinterested in the good you do?

Ask your loved ones.

I think a simple question to my wife would reveal very quickly what she would think about it.  What if I only told my wife I love her because it would make her feel good.  What if I only give her gifts because she wants them.  If I find no happiness in her presence, no genuine joy at her touch, but I only spend time with her because she wants it, would she appreciate it?  I think not.  She would be hurt that I did it mechanically, not out of my own love for her, my own emotional desire to be with her and please her.  True love rejoices at others’ joy.  True love finds pleasure in pleasing others.  True love finds no cost too great in order to bring good to the objects of its affection.  True love, while not merely self-interested, finds great gain in providing benefit to others.

Remember, when Jesus commands us to love one another as the second part of the greatest commandment, he does not say “Love your neighbor and deny yourself.”  He says “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  The two are not mutually exclusive.  They are necessary pairs in the endeavor to spread love. 

Going back to the original question, “Can we ever do something good and/or loving for someone else without ANY self-interest, without gaining anything at all by it?” I would have to say the answer is “no.” But that isn’t something to mourn, as if humanity has failed, and no real love can be known.  We can rejoice that true love is beneficial for everyone involved, even when we sacrifice, and especially when it is grounded in the only pure source of love, God himself.